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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gen_steiner's LiveJournal:

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    Monday, November 13th, 2006
    11:00 pm
    Good lord! An UPDATE!?
    Yep, 'cause I was bored, I decided to have a bit of an ego-wank and post a load of Blogthings quiz results. For kicks, like.

    You Are 80% Cynical

    You're a full blown cynic... and probably even skeptical of these results.
    You have your optimistic moments, but most likely you keep them to yourself.


    Your Political Profile:
    Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal
    Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
    Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
    Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
    Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
    Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal


    You Are 74% Evil

    You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
    Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.


    You Are 76% Politically Radical

    You're political views are just plain weird. A little far left, a little far right, and a whole lot of radical.


    You Are Modernism

    You tend to be oriented toward the future and technology.
    You like art that signals how the world might change in radical ways.
    As far as art goes, everything in the past is obsolete - and it's time to carve a new path.
    You prefer art that doesn't follow any rules - even if the art doesn't make much sense.


    You Should Rule Mars

    Mars is a planet that shines brightly and loops wildly around the solar system.

    You are perfect to rule Mars, because you are both energetic and independent.
    Like Mars, you seems attractive and bright to others - but you're difficult to pin down.

    You are a great thinker, but you only think in the present and ignore the future.
    Full of enthusiasm and inspiration, you are into your own thing... and rather insensitive to others.


    Your 1920's Name is:

    Wellington Judge


    What fun! Ego-wankery at its simplest...!

    Current Mood: Wuzz?
    Current Music: Non
    Monday, May 29th, 2006
    6:13 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Forty Four: Randomness
    ABOUT ME
    THE BASICS
    What is your name- Patrick Cullen
    Height- 5\' 10\"
    Weight- 9 stone 12lbs - ish
    Best quality- Laid backness?
    Nickname- Sicknote.
    Eye Color- Brown
    Haircolor- Brown
    Age- 19
    Birthdate- 10/10/86
    Current Location- London
    PICK ONE
    night or day- Evening.
    sweet or sour- Sweet
    chocolate or vanilla- Chocolate
    beer or hard liquor- Water
    black or white- Black
    personality or looks- Personality (but looks are good too...)
    cats or dogs- Mice?
    HAVE YOU EVER.....
    Been in love- Yes
    drank until you blacked out- No
    Skipped school- Yes
    Drank alcohol- Yes
    smoked a cigarette- Yes
    smoked weed- No
    snuck out of the house- Yes
    RANDOM QUESTIONS
    Whats the worst thing that has ever happened to you- Nearly dying. Three times.
    What do you think happens when you die- Either nothing, or something.
    Do you believe in karma- No
    Believe in god- No
    personality or looks- Person... I\'ve already answered this!
    do you ha ve a job- No
    If you had one wish, what would it be- Ah-ah, that\'d be telling
    FAVORITE....
    Color- Blue, probably
    Store- None
    Drink- Water
    Food- Baked potatoes
    Book- Homage to Catalonia
    Music- Mod, Ska, Punk
    Season- Summer
    MORE ABOUT YOU
    Piercings- None
    Tattoos- None
    How do you want to die- Heroically
    Do you want to get married- Yes...ish... I have objections to the institution of marriage, but we'll see
    Do you want kids- Yes
    Do you drink- No, well, not alcohol
    Smoke- No
    Your most missed memory- This makes no sense
    What do you want to do when you are done with highschool- For \'High School\' read uni. Fly around the world.
    Take this survey | Find more surveys


    All random typographical errors are not mine.

    Current Mood: Joie de vivre!
    Current Music: None
    Thursday, May 25th, 2006
    1:40 am
    Communique Number One Hundred and Forty Three: Workers' United Front!
    A few musings on Anarchism follow!

    Anarchism and prostitution: I used to be ambivalent about this. Now I have decided that prostitution is (mostly) bad and wrong, for several reasons. One, it's one of the fouler forms of capitalism - bosses profiting from sex as work. Two, it's often tied into a slave trade - which is an even fouler form of capitalism. Three, it's extremely oppressive and exploitative, and has many links with very dodgy parasites in the form of criminals. Four, the pseudo-legal environment it exists in means that people turn a blind eye to its excesses. Five, it turns women into commodities. And men, too, for that matter.

    I have no objection to people having sex with strangers. I do object to other people profiting from this. I especially object when they not only profit from, but effectively enslave, their 'employees'.

    Bring on the revolution...

    ----------------------------------------

    Now for some ego-wank about me. Have done two of my four exams so far, one of which - SO100 - went alright (3rd or 2:2 if I'm lucky) and the second, ST103, the open-book Stats paper, which I had today, went... well... not fun. I finished 45 minutes early, didn't understand a lot of the questions, and I'll be fucking lucky if I don't fail. I would jump for joy if I scrape a Pass. Ho hum.

    Brian Haw is a hero, and I shall tell him this tomorrow - today - when I see him. The bloody coppers came and trashed his one-man-protest, on the orders of Obergruppenfuhrer Herr Doktor Reid, the new commander of the BLUNKSPO, no doubt. So now he's on hunger strike. Wonderful! Fuckers. The most honest man in the country and they treat him like shit.

    What else have I been up to? Well, Saturday and Sunday were mostly spent in a muddy field in Rufford, Nottinghamshire, wearing International Brigade 'uniform' and playing at soldiers with the rest of La Columna. Met some very interesting people and fraternised with the Sealed Knot (must, must, must join them) and, to top it off, bought myself an ace 1930s French army greatcoat! For £10! BONUS!

    Sunday evening and Monday saw me at Helpsys', where Dayender Part 2 was played. A1A Assault Armour is ... highly destructive, and only the threat of a Stormtrooper Demi-Legion with AT-ST support got the Crew to shift. Don't they know they're supposed to be fighting Rebels!?

    One more week and my exams are done and I'm free until I get my results, horror of horrors. In the meantime I'm playing Morrowind and painting Guardsmen (particularly my Lawrence of Arabia inspired Drokharan Taureg Legion), both of which are fun. I am also living in squalor until I get off my arse and clean up ... hopefully later today.

    Now - Onwards!

    -------------------

    EDIT: A poem, which is also a song:

    'Beasley Street'

    FAR FROM CRAZY PAVEMENTS
    ...THE TASTE OF SILVER SPOONS
    A CLINICAL ARRANGEMENT
    ...ON A DIRTY AFTERNOON
    WHERE THE FECAL GERMS OF MR. FREUD
    ...ARE RENDERED OBSOLETE
    THE LEGAL TERM IS NULL AND VOID
    IN THE CASE OF... BEASLEY STREET

    IN THE CHEAP SEATS WHERE MURDER BREEDS
    SOMEBODY IS OUT OF BREATH
    SLEEP IS A LUXURY THEY DON'T NEED
    ...A SNEAK PREVIEW OF DEATH
    BELLADONNA IS YOUR FLOWER
    MANSLAUGHTER YOUR MEAT
    SPEND A YEAR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS
    ON THE EDGE OF BEASLEY STREET

    WHERE THE ACTION ISN'T
    THAT'S WHERE IT IS
    STATE YOUR POSITION
    VACANCIES EXIST
    IN AN X-CERTIFICATE EXERCISE
    EX-SERVICEMEN EXCRETE
    KEITH JOSEPH SMILES AND A BABY DIES
    IN A BOX ON BEASLEY STREET

    FROM THE BOARDING HOUSES AND THE BEDSITS FULL OF
    ...ACCIDENTS AND FLEAS
    SOMEBODY GETS IT
    WHERE THE MISSING PERSONS FREEZE
    WEARING DEAD MEN'S OVERCOATS
    YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR FEET
    A RIFF JOINT SHUTS - OPENS UP
    RIGHT DOWN ON BEASLEY STREET

    CARS COLLIDE, COLOURS CLASH
    DISASTER MOVIE STUFF
    FOR A MAN WITH THE FU MANCHU MOUSTACHE
    REVENGE IS NOT ENOUGH
    THERE'S A DEAD CANARY ON A SWIVEL SEAT
    THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE ROAD
    MEANWHILE ON BEASLEY STREET
    SILENCE IS THE CODE

    HOT BENEATH THE COLLAR
    ...AN INSPECTOR CALLS
    WHERE THE PERISHING STINK OF SQUALOR
    ...IMPREGNATES THE WALLS
    THE RATS HAVE ALL GOT RICKETS
    THEY SPIT THROUGH BROKEN TEETH
    THE NAME OF THE GAME IS NOT CRICKET
    CAUGHT OUT ON ...BEASLEY STREET

    THE HIPSTER AND HIS HIRED HAT
    DRIVE A BORROWED CAR
    YELLOW SOCKS AND A PINK CREVAT
    NOTHING LA-DI-DAH
    O-A-P
    MOTHER-TO-BE
    WATCH THE THREE-PIECE SUITE
    WHEN SHITSTOPPER DRAINS
    AND CROCODILE SKIS
    ARE SEEN ON ...BEASLEY STREET

    THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND
    ...A ONE-EYED MAN IS KING
    BEAUTY PROBLEMS ARE REDEFINED
    ...THE DOORBELLS DO NOT RING
    A LIGHT BULB BURST LIKE A BLISTER
    THE ONLY FORM OF HEAT
    WHERE A FELLOW SELLS HIS SISTER
    ...DOWN THE RIVER ON BEASLEY STREET

    THE BOYS ARE ON THE WAGON
    THE GIRLS ARE ON THE SHELF
    THEIR COMMON PROBLEM IS
    ...THAT THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE ELSE
    THE DIRT BLOWS OUT
    THE DUST BLOWS IN
    YOU CAN'T KEEP IT NEAT
    IT'S A FULLY FURNISHED DUSTBIN
    ...SIXTEEN BEASLEY STREET

    VINCE THE AGEING SAVAGE
    BETRAYS NO KIND OF LIFE
    ...BUT THE SMELL OF YESTERDAY'S CABBAGE
    AND THE GHOST OF LAST YEAR'S WIFE
    THROUGH A CONSTANT HAZE
    OF DEODORANT SPRAYS
    HE SAYS ...RETREAT
    ALSATIANS DOG THE DIRTY DAYS
    DOWN THE MIDDLE OF BEASLEY STREET

    PEOPLE TURN TO POISON
    QUICK AS LAGER TURNS TO PISS
    SWEETHEARTS ARE PHYSICALLY SICK
    EVERY TIME THEY KISS
    IT'S A SOCIOLOGIST'S PARADISE
    EACH DAY REPEATS
    UNEASY, CHEASY, GREASY, QUEASY
    ...BEASTLY, BEASLEY STREET

    EYES DEAD AS VICIOUS FISH
    LOOK AROUND FOR LAUGHS
    IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE WISH
    I WOULD BE A PHOTOGRAPH
    ON A PERMANENT MONDAY MORNING
    GET LOST OR FALL ASLEEP
    WHEN THE YELLOW CATS ARE YAWNING
    AROUND THE BACK OF BEASLEY STREET

    - John Cooper Clarke

    Current Mood: Adalante!
    Current Music: Bertolt Brecht, 'The United Front Song'
    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
    11:43 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Forty Two: Oh, so that's what happens when you do no work...
    I am horrifically fucked.

    I went to the Library tonight to revise with Hanna and Susan, got there a bit after them, and, looking through my notes, and comparing them with theirs, realised that I'm so screwed it's not funny. I've got six or seven days to revise three modules for SO100. This is 48 hours a module, starting tomorrow. With luck, I can maybe get a 2:2 - with luck. Oh well. So long as I pass I don't really give a toss, it's just the run-up that gets to me.

    Anyway, besides that, I've been getting some serious dossage done. To the extent that I've made two Chimeras for my Mechanised Guard, had a 1,500 points game against a very nice chap whom I know from http://www.dysartes.com who goes by the name of Jellicoe (and works for the NHS) which - as usual - I lost, albeit by a very small margin.

    I went up to visit Helpsy and his fiancee at the weekend, and he and I played Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion for about 22 hours. We ditched Aeon Maethor, our horrifically mighty tank-character for a stealthy Wood Elf assassin with an unpronoucable name who made us laugh. A lot. Shooting people with arrows from afar to get a x3 damage bonus for sneak AND then watching their ragdoll-physiced corpses bouncing around is too much. Especially when we went on random murder sprees that no-one noticed. While there, I also GM-ed the first session (well, second) of my Star Wars RPG campaign, Dayender. Helpsy, Mariana, Malte the German and Iris the Loud are the players. I did it off-the-cuff, with no character sheets, just to get them started. Unfortunately, the Dice Gods decided to dislike Malte's character, and he took a faceful of burning liquids from a security droid with a flame-thrower! Much mayhem ensued, they all seemed to enjoy it, and next time I'm up it's character sheets and proper rules. Bwahaha. That was a fun weekend, and I even slept, which was shocking.

    Dunno if I told you about the Murton Park thing, I must have done. If not, well, I got dressed up in Spanish Civil War militaman (CNT, 1936) stuff and hung out in a train station for two days. Check out http://www.lacolumna.org.uk for pictures! See if you can spot me.

    What else has been happening? Well, tonight, when I was leaving the library to go and get my stuff so I could organise my SO100 'notes', I met Daisy who was coming in to revise. We chatted for a bit, and I was hit with this incredible urge to just grab her, kiss her, hold her to me, and then make love to her... I've never, ever, wanted anyone so suddenly and so much. Insane. I suspect it was because she looked beautiful, and tired, and glowed (for some reason), and was wearing an amazing flowery top. It passed, after about fifteen minutes, which was as long as it took to get to the floom, grab my stuff, and get back to the Library. I still fancy her though, but it's yet another lost cause so, long ago, I decided 'fuck it' and am concentrating on friendships rather than relationships (until one drops into my lap, a la Jude). Doesn't mean I can't lust after my friends! I do and I make no apologies for it.

    Anyway. I've been reading two books lately, both good, both shocking (in different ways) and both worth reading. Emergency Sex by three UN workers, laying bare the fuck-up that was the peacekeeping of the 1990s; and My War by Colby Buzzel, AKA CBFTW (Colby Buzzel Fuck The World / Fights The War / Fuck The War), which is a diary-stroke-weblog-stroke-memoir of his time in Iraq with the Stryker Brigade of the US Army. I think I read part of his 'blog when it was a blog. http://cbftw.blogspot.com - see if it's still there. Good reads, all of them. I wonder if the Mujahideen and Iraqi Resistance are writing such books, and, if so, will they ever see print? There's the story of the occupiers, of the civilians, and yet not the Anti-Coalition Forces (terrorists, insurgents, guerrillas, militia, soldiers, Al-Qaeda... all of this and more and with an untold story). Strange ommission. That said, in all my reading about 'Nam, I've only ever come across one book by an NVA man, and that I saw once in a Methvens when I had no money, and never again. It's called something like When Blossom Falls, I think.

    I spoilt my ballot in the local elections. I had a choice, for Westminster, of Dark Blue (Tory), Mid Blue (Labour) and Light Blue (Lib Dem). That's not a choice, it's a sodding joke. So I scrawled "Fuck Off You Liars" across the paper, showed it to the officals, and then put it in the box. Fuck 'em. I'm not voting to choose my own slavedriver. Democracy is not just the vote. Democracy is not just some bunch of liars sitting in a building pissing and moaning and beating their chests and lying - democracy is people, is consensus, is argument, is dissent, is violence, is pacifism... democracy. Demo Kratis. Some shit about the people. Well, I don't know about you, but the people aren't the people in the houses of Parliament or in the council offices, the people are THE PEOPLE. Everyone. You, me, the beggar down the road, the god-king next door. Everyone.

    Hum. What else. Not much. It's late now, and I'm tired, and I need to do lots of procrastination and revision tomorrow, so I shall sign off with some political slogans:

    Make love, not law.
    Troops out now or sooner!
    Be sensible, demand the impossible.
    Sin Disciplina, No Hay Victoria!

    Current Mood: C'est la vie: merde.
    Current Music: Fox Trotsky, 'Fox Trotsky'
    Monday, April 24th, 2006
    11:34 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Forty-One: Ah, so that's what happens when you overspend...
    Hail and well met!

    A tale of woe I must relate, I'm sad to say. I got my student loan today - £1,318 pounds of it. However, my rent for the term will cost me £1,295 - leaving me just £23 to live on! Which, frankly, won't last a week. So, I'm being forced to beg money from my 'rents and find a job, tout suite. Which sucks, but hey ho. My fault entirely - I should've had about £400 left over from last term, but over-enthusiastic spending put paid to that one. OOPS!

    Anyway, today has been good. My PH103 class blew my mind, as usual, but it was worth it. I'm glad I took Philosophy as an optional extra, it's mind-expanding, and you get to learn fun things.

    Other than that, I did my usual fuck-all work. I did eat more than yesterday though - potatoes, too! Extra healthy, yum...

    Judge Dredd vs Judge Death is highly amusing, particularly the arrests:

    "Drop it!"
    "Oh no! Dredd!"
    "Ten years in the cubes, perp!"
    "Not the cubes!"

    I've begun to undercoat the figures I bought at Salute! '06, which is proving to be jolly fun, and I'm quite looking forwards to painting the 15mm European Federation troops and APC I got.

    After this I'm off to do my statistics for tomorrow morning and hopefully tidy my floom some more.

    Current Mood: IMPOVERISHED!
    Current Music: Toy Dolls, "Nellie the Elephant"
    Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
    9:35 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Forty: Hurrah for Procrastination
    I AM THE LAW!

    Got Judge Dredd v Judge Death today. It's OK. I played it instead of working, which is bad. Oh well. I also got a Toy Dolls compilation, which is fucking awesome.

    Other than that, nothing to report!

    See you tomorrow, avid readers.

    Current Mood: Not eaten enough!
    Current Music: Toy Dolls, "Deidre Is A Slag"
    Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
    8:19 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty-Nine: Salute! '06 and the Third Term
    Well, this is hopefully a return to the daily update, comrades. I'm not promising anything, but I want to get my shit together and come out of the looming exams with a 2:2 at least.

    Anyway, first the happy-clappy news. I've a 3,000 word essay to finish (900ish words written so far) for Thursday, which, I hope, shouldn't give me too much of a headache. Oh yes, and tomorrow I have to hurt my mind with stats (boo) in order not to fuck up too much.

    Other than that, all is hunky-dory, really. I had quite a good time at Salute! '06 today, although it was a bit disconcerting to go to ExCeL instead of Olympia, and I didn't enjoy the New Look Salute as much. That said, I did manage to pick up the last bits and pieces for Force Generica, a Stargrunt II army that looks roughly like this:

    Platoon HQ: Hover jeep with MG, Lieutenant w. pistol, grenadier, Sergeant, radio operator.

    Scout Section: Four hover bikes with riders (rifles).

    Power Armour Section: Four troopers in power armour (one HMG, one AT, two rifles) in an APC with autocannon.

    Three infantry sections in trucks: Corporal with pistol, rifleman with ATGM, four riflemen.

    Hovertank with cannon and autocannon on a pintle-mount.

    Quite nice actually, once they're all done up. Also from Ground Zero Games, I got myself two eight-man sections of 15mm Federal Stats Europa troops and a hover AIFV, and a five woman section of Womens' Battalion of Death troops (Romanov Hegemony) just to paint. My obligatory Random Purchase was a 1/48th scale Emma Peel from Honourable Lead Boiler Suit Company, who I will paint up as Cate Archer from No-One Lives Forever, and I also bought (and have begun converting) the Tallarn Tank Commander from Forgeworld. I gave him legs and a holster (the holster from Green Stuff. I'm quite proud of it actually, it's one of my better sculpting attempts) and have now named him Commissar Thomas Edward Lawrence... free kudos to whoever gets that. What else... well, thanks to a Royal Fuck-Up with the bank and my money (i.e. I was overdrawn by £10, so not only do they take that, which is fair enough, but then they charge me at least £20 and make me overdrawn again, the shits) I couldn't afford as much as I'd hoped, so I think that's it. I couldn't get Stephen his 20th birthday present, and nor could I get the copy of Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader that I flicked through at a Bring and Buy there. D'oh! Accursed banks!

    Still, a good day, spent furtling in Salute! and transporting myself back down to London for the third term of my first year, which I hope will be a million times better than the last, which, quite frankly, stank.

    I also saw Dr. Who (amazingly, I managed to thieve the telly from the postgrads after watching the last twenty minutes of Liverpool v Chelsea - 'pool won 2-1, hurrah!), which, as usual, rocked. Billie Piper is quite yummy, and next week: K-9! HURRAH! I want the Daleks to come back though. They're awesome. EX-TER-MIN-ATE... EX-TER-MIN-ATE...

    Well, that's all for now really. Check back tomorrow, for hijinks!

    Current Mood: Well, here's to the term!
    Current Music: 'Beasley Street' by punk band whose name I've forgotten
    Friday, April 14th, 2006
    8:01 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty-Eight: Holy ISAs, QUANGOMAN, it's an update!
    Yes, readers, do not adjust your monitors! This is not a trick! It is, in fact, an update from the frantically typing fingers of yours truly, the author of this intertron weblog! I repeat, do not adjust your monitors!

    Not much to tell, given the length of time and my feeble memory, so, here's the lowdown. I've shaved my moustache (mainly 'cause Jude mused to Daisy, who told me, that I'd look better without it. I disagree) and Daisy reckons I'm now "Youthful and dashing." I've walked 50 miles from Peel to Douglas on the Isle of Man, I've vowed to stick to my £50 a week budget next term, I've begun work on my 3,000 word essay on 'What is War?', and... er... bought Operation Flashpoint. It rocks so much.

    I'm currently considering joining the Royal Air Force (I wanted to join Transport Command, but, sadly, that no longer exists) so I can fly C-130 Hercules' for fun and profit. They probably won't take me, but it's an incentive to get fit enough to pass their PT tests. So, next term, apart from revision, I'll be down the swimming pool, fencing, shooting, and running. All term. And then all summer, except less of the shooting and fencing and more of the cycling. I want, eventually, to be army-level fit. We'll see how that goes.

    Enough of the narcissism! Time for some geopolitical commentary:

    It makes me fucking sick to think of the shit we dump on the world. The End.

    Current Mood: All is well with my world
    Current Music: The sweet chatter of Kalashnikov fire
    Thursday, March 9th, 2006
    4:57 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Seven: An update! OMGZ0R!1!
    Well, yes, after almost a week's worth of it being all quiet on the LiveJournal front, I'm finally updating. Basically, the reason I've been retarded when it comes to the whole daily update thing recently is because this term's been bollocks. Not on the personal relationships side of things - I've hung out a lot, had a girlfriend for a whole day (!), and generally chilled. I also reckon I can count Daisy Forster amongst my actual friends now, which rocks. However, in work terms, I've still not done those essays, I've not handed in half the stats work I should've done this term (though I can still save my bacon - just - if I do this week's and last week's work), AND, on top of all that, I'm still missing lectures and classes.

    Oh well.

    I bought some posters today (bear with me, it relates to the first bit, I promise) for the princely sum of £5 for three and £4 for some arty prints. The posters were:

    1) Bettie Page drawing. Rowr!
    2) Comedy poster: "University: A Three Year Party With An Expensive Hangover" - I bought that because it's true, all true (except the hangover, but that's only for me and only 'cause I can't drink). More on this in a bit.
    3) A poster of John Cleese going to work in the Ministry of Silly Walks, illustrating how to execute the Ministerial Walk.
    4) Picture of Paul Weller in casual mod gear strumming on a gee-tar, bought because it's cool.
    5) Print of a 1900 painting of a column of knights sallying forth from a castle while a fair maiden (tm) bestows a favour on one of the knights. It's tweely entitled 'Godspeed' but I prefer to call it 'Blessing the Killer'.

    Anyway, what have I been up to. Well, actually, I've been up to a lot and I've not got time to update this entry any further at the moment, so... it'll have to wait for the time being!
    Friday, March 3rd, 2006
    2:17 am
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Six: Booze, Stress, and Ballots
    Well, companeros, I've just got back from the 2006 Lent Term LSE Student Union elections, where I covered the race for the position of SU treasurer, helped count the votes for Constitution and Steering (C&S) positions, Financial Services (F&S) posts and - of course - the Treasurer. I also interviewed people in various stages of drunkenness, got told by a very gay man that I'd look better without my 'tache (HERESY) and watched Carys Morgan - a rather attractive first year on the C&S - drape herself over the even more pished Athletics Union Treasurer, Van, before fleeing the count.

    My head hurts, my lips are chapped, I'm dehydrated, my stomach and eyes ache, and by god I wouldn't've missed it for the world.

    I was there from 8:45 to 1:50 and oh christ... what a hamsterfuck it was. Hacks everywhere! I was inspired, and scrawled this:

    LSE SU Elections Night (02/03/06)

    Stink of cheap booze,
    Loud music drowned
    By the babbling pool of
    Tired-happy,
    Tired-sad,
    Tired-drunk,
    Voices slapping backs;
    Thanking each other with
    Veiled daggers.
    Stress etched into
    Faces by alcohol and
    Slips of coloured paper,
    So meaningfully empty...
    Student politics!

    Yes, a bad poem. I'm sorry. It was worse without the punctuation, believe me. Anyway, what elose has happened... oh yes, Mum came down to visit, which was nice - brought me lots of food (hurrah) and has bailed me out of my drastically low funds situation (curse you, eBay, curse you!) by promising to send a cheque for £60. Together with the £20 she gave me today and the £50 that Grandma and Grandad'll send me this coming week that should give me enough to survive the last couple of weeks of term.

    Dad and I went to the T.E.Lawrence exhibition on Wednesday, when he came down - that was a lot of fun, very interesting stuff. T.E.L had short man syndrome though, the poor sod was only 5' 6" tall and had to have a special dagger made (from gold, of course) to go with his Arab dress as he found the standard kinzhal (I think that's what they're called) to be too unwieldy. A complex man, and one of the great figures of history who was made by the Great War - unlike so many who were unmade.

    Still not done my essays! I don't think I will at this rate. Fuck 'em. Not marked, no point. I'll have a crack at them this weekend, e-mail them in Sunday or something. Might as well - better late than never.

    Well, I'm off to bed. I leave you with the following interesting fact about me...

    ...I know three girls whom I consider to be truly beautiful. I am in love with two. One is out of my reach perhaps forever. Another has gone from my life, again perhaps forever. The third is an elegant enigma. All are different. Only one reads this interwebular journal.

    Goodnight, comrades!

    Current Mood: Drunk by proxy
    Current Music: Something by Radiohead
    Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
    2:05 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Five: Why, how ironic
    Today I gave Daisy the books Jude lent me. I - perhaps foolishly - wrote a letter which was part book reviews and part "What the hell?!" and stuck it inside Giovanni's Room. I suspect I shall never see her again. A great pity.

    The irony is that only now do I have a proper picture of the girl who captivated me and, if I'm brutally honest, I fell in love with. Here she is:

    Image hosting by Photobucket

    Juliet 'Jude' Flynn.

    Stolen from her MySpace.

    EDIT: And again, only this time in colour! Shockingly.

    Image hosting by Photobucket

    Now can you see why I am - was - am? Was...? crazy about her?

    Current Mood: So it's over then
    Current Music: David Bowie, "Major Tom"
    Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
    11:20 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Four: Old friends, good times, and crushing emotions
    It's been a week since I put a Live Journal entry up. I won't bore you, but suffice it to say that I've had a generally pants last three weeks and I'm only now beginning to get back on track. Still not done the essays but hey - I'll do them tomorrow. No, really.

    The title. Well, the 'old friends' comes from FaceBook, curse its name. Some years ago, I met a boy called Nathaniel Evelyn Samuel Slater (Nat). We were at school together, in St. George's School, Windsor Castle, Windsor. He was in the year above me, but is only two months and two days older than I am. We became the best of friends. Inseperable. We planned revolution, talked of the world to come, of girls and of long, summer evenings when everything was possible. Even then, I knew they were halcyon days and they would not come again. I was right.

    He changed. In truth, so did I, I think. But for me, he changed the most. He went into Eton College a radical, a revolutionary middle-class debonair, for whom life was nothing but an adventure, a jest. He came out a typical Etonian. Louche, effortlessly cool, dripping style - and went to Cambridge.

    We went our seperate ways, quite suddenly, the summer I moved to Warwick. We promised to see each other again. We did. Once, I think - in London, and the gulf was huge. I sensed it, in his reluctance to talk politics like he once would, in his ease with descriptions of Peterhouse debauchery, of the week he lost to drink and a wounded heart... and most of all in his careless attitude, which, I think, was always there - only now it is not the same.

    I don't think it will ever be the same, even if we do meet again. I knew a boy called Nat Slater and he became a man - no, an Old Etonian - called Nathaniel Evelyn Samuel Slater. I don't know that man, that OE, and I doubt I ever will again.

    But they were glorious days, halcyon days, and I will treasure them - and Nat, wherever you are, whatever you do, even if you and I never meet again, all the best to you. May you live forever!

    As for the 'good times', well, once again that refers to the past. I have moved several times in my life - six schools and one university in 12 years - and the longest I have stayed in any one school has been three years. I remember my years at Windsor Boys' School with a kind of detached fondness, for they were my teenage years. I can recall certain incidents, certain faces, certain rooms, with perfect clarity and they are part of me now. They were good times and I shall never face them again except in my memory, in my dreams and in my nightmares.

    Of course, there will be good times yet to come, but, like Nat/Nathaniel, I have, I feel, had my glory. Whatever lies before me will, I fear, be mundane, banal - so very, very different to the lives I envisaged and still dream of. I aim to fight that dread hand of suburban existence - however possible. There will be good times, and I will look back on them longingly in my dotage.

    Or, perhaps better, I shall be dead by my 30s - a romantic hero, caught forever in my youth, having achieved much (or even little) and been borne aloft to the halls of memory on wings of aluminium and fire, or by an iconic photograph taken before I die in the revolution - or, indeed, by a life and work part lie and part truth, part fable and part myth.

    My problem is that I am a romantic. I dream of flashing wings, of cloudless heavens, of sun-bleached desert wastes and of Bedouin silhouetted against flaming skies. I dream of a world that may not have existed and certainly does not now. I dream of the era of adventurers, where mad dogs and Englishmen strode forth into tractless wastes and died heros or forgotten, but above all doing something.

    Occasionally people ask me why I, an Anarchist, have pictures of Che Guevara. The answer is simple. He is a hero. He believed in his cause, he lived for it and ultimately died for it. Of course, he has a dark side. But I can support him more than I can support, say, Tessa Jowell because he was passionate about something. Osama Bin Laden may be a murderer, he may be a terrorist, a freedom fighter, a soldier or a priest, a holy man or mad - he may even be all of these things, but I respect him because he has a cause. There is no honour in the souls of our leaders. There is no sense of truth, of nobility, of right in our lives. Misguided it may be, but I will prefer the extremist to the moderate simply because she is true to her cause while the moderate never can be.

    So... to the good times, the heroic times, the romantic future - may they come and may I live through them, and end fittingly.

    On, then, to 'crushing emotions'. I have already told you that I am - or, more accurately, I consider myself to be - a romantic. I fall in love with beauty easily, I hate ugliness too readily, I let the world wash over me when I should stand and I stand when I should let it wash over me. I do all of these things and more because of the crushing influence of my emotions. When I'm down, I'm down, and vice versa.

    What am I getting at? Well, not much really. Just a simple thing. Jude does not want to see me because she thinks it would be too painful. Ah! A weight is gone. She has decided. I am free... though I am not. I fell too far too fast for Jude and now I am serene because there's nothing I can do - though that's not stopped me trying, to be fair.

    All this rambling and so little point!

    University is going alright. I understood the statistics this week (shockingly) and I'm going to go to all my lectures and classes... and it's only two and a half weeks until the end of term now. My one last aim for this term (apart from ESSAYS) is to live cleanly and get laid.

    I'll finish with this piece of advice:

    Do not go and see Memoirs of a Geisha unless you like sitting in a cinema for two and a half hours mentally screaming "Idiot! Fool! Weak willed moron!" at every character. There's 'alien culture' and then there's downright stupid. Doesn't help that it was 'Japan as seen through the eyes of gwailo', either. Mind you, I didn't exactly think "hurrah for the Yanks!" when they finally turned up. Blundering roundeyes with no history and an equally bizzare culture. At least the company was good.

    Current Mood: In futile dreams...
    Current Music: The Jam, "'A' Bomb in Wardour Street"
    Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
    11:59 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Three: Perspective
    Today has been a good day, with a genuinely happy ... well, not ending, but beginning. More on that cryptic comment later (I promise it'll make sense).

    It started well, with me waking up at 09:17, thinking that I'd missed my Stats lecture, then remembering that that starts at 10:00. So I got up, half-heartedly 'tidyed' stuff (moved the mess around), and then got washed and dressed. Suitably attired in a suit - ho ho - I toddled off to the Stats lecture... but not before cracking and texting Jude. A week is a long time in love, and a longer time still when it's all up in the air and you're not sure what the hell's happening. Anyway, the Stats lecture was, quite predictably, dull as ditchwater. The two highlights were the Chinook that thuk-thuk-thuked overhead in the general direction of Parliament about twenty minutes in, and Susan's shoes: black leather pumps with white worked leather detailing in the shape of... a cat. Yes, that's right, she was wearing cats.

    After that I walked to SO110 lecture with Susan, chatting about various things, then sat next to Daisy for the lecture on War. I violently disagreed with half of the stuff, and the rest was ... contentious, but I'll accept it. I may even do the reading for this tomorrow, I liked it so much.

    At the end of the lecture, Daisy, Greg and I went to the Brunch Bowl and chilled for a bit. Foolishly, I tried to engage Greg in a debate, and relearnt that this is impossible. Anarchist he may be, nice guy he isn't. Well, that's too harsh. I find him incredibly closed-minded and intimidating. He can be a nice bloke though. So, after the Brunch Bowl, we decided to go to Covent Garden. I said "Sure, but I need to get a jacket" as it was fucking cold - apparently it snowed yesterday, but I was asleep, so hey - and that ended up with Greg and Daisy being the first LSE students to enter my room! They were in awe. I was quietly smug.

    I hung about and wandered around Covent Garden with them (including stumbling into Chinatown, whereupon Greg passes Judgement (Lo!) on all the duck eaters)until I decided I wanted to see a film. Aeon Flux, in fact. After trying and failing to convince Daisy to come with me, I accompanied her to Carr Saunders then went to Gosh! for a bit. Some far-out comic books there, I tells ya. After that it was Playin' Games, where I bought the Star Wars Roleplaying Game: Galactic Campaign Guide for use in DAYENDER, and six d20s (also for DAYENDER).

    Then back to Grosvenor House, where I chatted online for a while, then went to the floom to eat. This done, I sent a text to Maria (who I would still like to see gimped up) and went off to Aeon Flux, which was enjoyably bad. I forgive it all its sins, though, because:

    1) Charlize Theron in tight clothing!
    2) Violence!
    3) EXPLOSIONS!
    4) Charlize Theron in tight clothing killing people with her thighs! I'd let her snap my neck between those thighs any day...
    5) The Evil Mastermind is called Trevor. Yes, that's right, the dictator is Trev. No "Man of Steel" here, no sirree, just good ol' Trev.
    6) If you're still not convinced, see below:

    Image hosting by Photobucket
    Above: Aeon kicks Random Facility Guard # 93 to death. Ouch! But hey, what a way to go, eh?

    Image hosting by Photobucket
    Above: Aeon firing one of the magic 100% accuracy machine-pistols during the Climactic Fight Scene.

    Image hosting by Photobucket
    Above: Aeon showing off her amazing martial arts ability to stay very low and entrance all bisexuals and heterosexual males using only the power of her, er, mind...

    And if you're still not convinced... get thee gone, demon!

    On a more serious note, and this is what the title's about, on the way home I met a man called Johnny. Johnny is a 36 year old Irishman, who is a professional carpenter of 22 years. He was sitting in a doorway on Longacre, and I gave him 50p. Then I got talking to him...

    The poor sod'd had his sleeping bag set fire to seven weeks ago... with him in it. While he was asleep. His legs were burnt, and in getting out of the blazing bag he fell on a railing spike which went through his left leg - I have seen the wounds (they're not pretty), this is for real - and I was the first person to help him in terms of money.

    Says he: "Will you do me a favour and book me into the hostel?"
    "Sure," says I, "Show me where it is and I'll do it" so we wandered to the bus stop. On the way he told me his story. To put it briefly...

    He'd been working 18 months all hours god send on a building site, as a carpenter, to support his wife of 15 years and their four kids. He was hoping to get a house back in Ireland once the building was finished, and he'd amassed a considerable sum of money at £125 a day before overtime, and about £330 on Sundays. However, his wife becomes disgruntled with his absence, and steals all their (his) cash from their joint account (about £150,000), leaves him for another man, has him banned from his own house 'for fear of upsetting the children with shouting' and - just like that - he's on the streets. A few days later he's set on fire by some total scumbag, and the hospital discharges him after an overnight stay. The man's legs were burnt to the knees and he had a puncture wound, and they kept him in for one night? How the fuck does that make sense?! Then, tonight, seven weeks after he was assaulted, I helped him.

    I reckon from what he said he was 36. He'd left school at 14, and then spent the next 22 years as a carpenter. He looked about 45. So, in the end, I gave him £50 and he went off to the hostel - that fifty quid'll book him in, get him access to the canteen and allow him to draw benefits and get a job. Can you believe that? It's £32 to book into the hostel for the homeless. Food is extra.

    The more I learn about the seedy underside of capitalism, the more I think it's total shit.

    However, it kind of puts things into context, you know? My worries aren't as bad as his, so suck it up - and get on with it.

    I leave you with two observations:

    1) Be excellent to each other!
    2) Aeon Flux, Mrs Peel, Catwoman, Xenia Onatopp, Trinity, Selene... all kick arse. All wear skin-tight black clothing. Coincidence? I think not!

    EDIT: Forgot to say, I got 2000AD. Stomm! It wasn't the best issue...

    Current Mood: Why?
    Current Music: Aeon Flux Soundtrack
    Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
    8:16 am
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty Two: Well, FUCK
    I stayed awake all night, mostly chatting to Helpsy. This was good.

    When we'd stopped chatting about Star Wars, I went to my floom and bashed out the majority of the dossier for him for the Star Wars RPG campaign I'm going to run for Helpsy & Co, which I'm tentatively calling DAYENDER. This eventually ran to nine pages, and it's not finished yet... bwahahaa... and that's just his guide, I'm going to write up more detailed crib notes for me and some one-page things for the other characters when I know who else is playing.

    Then I did my Stats exercise. Correction. I tried to do it.

    I realised I genuinely have no idea what's going on any more. I sat through a lecture last week for Stats in which I literally did not understand a single statistics-based sentence that the lecturer said. Not one. All of it went 'woosh' over my head, and my notes are as a result incomprehensible. A lot of it's about Jude.

    So... I'm handing in Ex. 14 late, telling my class teacher that I've not got a clue at all, and then going to a lecture on Simone de Beauvoir or something. After that, I'm coming home to my floom and GOING TO SLEEP.

    Seriously. I feel utterly shattered.

    On another note, London is an incredibly beautiful city. Yet it's so dreadful, so ugly, so horrific, too... Yet I call it 'home' and feel out of place when I lie in my bed in Warwick, with teenage pin-ups and pictures dropping off the walls as the blu-tac dries. The only things I miss, apart from the, well, homeliness (I know that defeats my point, bear with me) of Warwick are, in order, Suzi, my 'rents, and the big window in my room with the birds in the garden. They're sparrows, but we call them hooligan birds, because that's what they are. Beautiful creatures though, bop-bopping about and chirruping like there's no tomorrow.

    Huh. I have a sinking feeling that I do, actually, need to get my essays done and my stats sorted out and books read from now on, because otherwise I suspect I shall actually fail. If I fail my first year I won't be going to Warwick in the summer. No, I shall be looking for a job.

    Fucking hell. Life's a right bag of shit sometimes, and it's not even as though I've got it particularly hard, either! Ah well. Enough emo from me, go and read http://www.commissionedcomic.com - I guarantee you'll laugh at least once if not more.

    Current Mood: Waiting for Jude. Still.
    Current Music: A gentle throbbing in my forehead
    Monday, February 20th, 2006
    9:52 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty One: We Return You To Your Scheduled Program
    Sorry about the break in communications from London, city of fools, comrades. I was unavoidably too lethargic to post last night, and judging from the last few posts I've really not been feeling myself.

    To be honest, I'm still not. Aiee! Emo alert! No, don't worry, it's just the lingering effects of illness and the realisation that I've three essays to do - one of which is now almost two weeks late - together with the ongoing Jude Complication (soon to be a best-selling airport thriller), means that I'm not 100% A-1 fit for duty.

    In fact, this past two days I've mostly been doing sweet fuck all. Which, although good for a laugh, is not helpful degree wise. It has meant, however, that I've at last bought food shopping, crushed the Rebellion (ha! Where's your Light Side now, Obi-Wan?!) with the Death Star and Colonel Veers' elite AT-AT units. Currently I'm liberating the galaxy from the iron heel of the Empire, one star system and thousands of men at a time. If you know not of which I speak, I mean I'm playing Star Wars Empire at War, and it's fucking ace. 8/10, or, for the more PC Gamer minded, I give it 83%.

    However, I am undergoing a very slow Damascene conversion, although not to religion thankfully. No, to the Work Ethic (gasp!). I've decreed and end to the slack and a beginning to actual work. For the third time. However, this time I mean it. I'm even going to stay up late to do my stats work. I know, shocking, isn't it?

    Right, that's me finished with the life update. For randomness today, we shall have the webcomics I currently read:

    http://www.tsoalr.com - Turn Signals On A Land Raider: A must for Games Workshop freaks
    http://www.poisonedminds.com - S.S.D.D: Bizzare anthropomorphic English humour, with an a anarchist rabbit, time travel, and cutting socio-political commentary from the every now and then Church of the Poisoned Minds.
    http://freefall.purrsia.com - Freefall: Hard science fiction with comedy! Featuring the best anti-hero ever.
    http://www.dominic-deegan.com - Dominic Deegan: A soothsayer, or seer, demons, attractive (and vegetarian!) Orcs, a cat who talks in pun, and anime styling. You may like this, or you may hate it. Give it a shot anyway.
    http://www.penny-arcade.com - Penny Arcade: Gabe 'n' Tycho, the ultimate gamer's comic. If you play computer games, you should read this.
    http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com - CTRL+ALT+DEL: The only webcomic I know of which is animated and on TV. Hilarious, and it has Chef Brian.
    http://www.vgcats.com - VG Cats: Has to be seen to be believed. Fuckin' funny though.
    http://www.angels2200.com - Angels 2200: A world where all the men are dead (or are they?) and humanity (or womanity) fights old wars regardless. Good art which gets better as it goes along, curvy fighter pilots (in space!) and lesbianism. What's not to like?
    http://www.questionablecontent.net - Questionable Content: Unfortunately not as risque as the title makes out, but I find the emo-indie style to be endearing. Not my favourite comic, but not horrific.
    http://www.webcomicsnation.com/laylalawlor/huntersmoon/series.php - Kismet: Hunter's Moon: An anarcho-capitalist inhabited moon, where the 'police' force are the main characters, there's a still-raging counter-insurgency campaign, terrorist bombings, and a good, old-fashioned, dog. Oh, and an 81 year old assassin in a 12 year old girls' body. Excellent comic.
    http://www.alpha-shade.com - Alpha Shade: A very strange pseudo WWI fantasy set in two overlapping dimensions which I'm still trying to puzzle out. To be honest, I think the authors are too. Worth the read though, as the art is superb and it's not often that people who appear to be main characters get it in the neck...
    http://www.schlockmercenary.com - Schlock Mercenary: Mercenaries! In space! Very hard science fiction, with humour, death, romance, and the largest pair of breasts ever seen since Lola Ferrari.

    Finally, I've stopped reading this (shockingly), but it's still my favourite webcomic EVER:

    http://www.crfh.net - College Roomies From Hell!!! Does what it says on the tin. A must read. Seriously. The comic that started it all off... and still the only comic I've bought physical stuff from.

    If you think that's a lot, I used to read 50 daily. On average. And some of those updated only once a week, so there was about a year where I read 75 webcomics.

    That's all for now!

    EDIT:

    Aiee! I'm so ashamed! I forgot about: http://www.nuklearpower.com - 8-Bit Theatre: Black Mage. Read it.

    Current Mood: Yup, still waiting... O! Jude!
    Current Music: Just A Minute, "The Minute Waltz"
    Saturday, February 18th, 2006
    11:59 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Thirty: ARGH!
    Well, I'm not well. Rockin'! Or not. So, I spent the day playing Star Wars: Empire at War, and literally jumped for joy when I got the Death Star. Alderaan and Yavin-4 shortly thereafter got rubbleised. Soon, the Rebel Alliance will be crushed, and then His Excellency Emperor Palpatine will reign for ten thousand years!

    This is a random thing I found on a random quiz site, Quizilla.com or something. What does my birth month mean for me? Well, apart from "Er, not a lot," this apparently:

    OCTOBER:
    Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center [I have no idea what that means...!]. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care what others think*. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

    NB: things in italics are what I think is right. About 50/50. Ooh look! Random guesswork! Yes, kiddies, horoscopes etc = bollocks.

    * If by 'others' it means idiots, fucktards, morons, mentally subnormal religious freaks, politicians, bosses, liars, murderers, and the scum of society, then no, I don't care what they think! If it means my friends, then yes I do care.

    Current Mood: Argh! Unwell AND still waiting
    Current Music: Imperial March
    Friday, February 17th, 2006
    7:32 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Twenty Nine: Totally Normal, oh yes, and "Death Star in range"
    DisorderRating
    Paranoid Disorder:Low
    Schizoid Disorder:Low
    Schizotypal Disorder:Low
    Antisocial Disorder:Low
    Borderline Disorder:Low
    Histrionic Disorder:Low
    Narcissistic Disorder:Low
    Avoidant Disorder:Low
    Dependent Disorder:Low
    Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Low

    -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
    -- Personality Disorders --



    Well, today I did fuck all apart from buy Star Wars: Empire at War. It rocks. So much. This weekend is going to be Essay Weekend, in a feeble attempt to at last get myself back on track workwise, and also in a pants attempt to pass the time while Jude mulls over her options.

    Ah, Jude, we came into each other's lives and royally screwed them over. A toast! to you, Juliet, and I - whatever you decide, a toast, a toast to you.

    Current Mood: Still waiting
    Current Music: Imperial March
    Thursday, February 16th, 2006
    6:47 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Twenty Eight: A Cunning Plan!


    My pirate name is:


    Black Jack Rackham



    Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

    Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.


    Just to whet your appetite for later, me hearties!

    Current Mood: Still waiting
    Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
    11:25 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Twenty Seven: A what now window?
    A Johari Window. This thing:

    http://kevan.org/johari?name=gen_steiner

    Have a look. Take some time to tell me what you think of me.

    You can see what others think of me here...

    http://kevan.org/johari?view=gen_steiner

    Enjoy!

    Current Mood: Waiting for the next move
    Current Music: Angelic Upstarts, "Cry Wolf"
    2:34 pm
    Communique Number One Hundred and Twenty Six: A Very Public Analysis
    Right. I know this post is going to be a massive cliche­, but I have to do it. Look away now if you hate LJ-based bitching and moaning.

    I am tying myself in knots over a girl whom I have known for 12 days at the time of writing, and in those 12 days I have spent 11 hours, give or take about 20 minutes, with her. For a very brief period, perhaps 25 hours, we were going out.

    I speak, of course, of Jude Flynn, the most amazing girl I've yet met at university. We clicked - click still, I hope - on some fundamental level. I suspect the term I'm looking for is a whirlwind romance, and yet it all went horribly, horribly wrong yesterday evening. She decided to have a minor nervous breakdown and told me that she needed "to have some time to myself," to sort things out in her head. Which is fine. I don't begrudge her that at all.

    What confuses and upsets me the most, I suppose, is that I fell so hard and so fast for her. Rationally, I shouldn't really be that fussed - 12 days isn't even a fortnight. Yet I do care. What's more, I care for her, not me so much. I'm agonised that my appearance in her life might have made things worse, I'm saddened by the fact that I appear to have been the catalyst for this whole thing. The last thing I want to do, no matter how little or how inadvertantly, is to cause her hurt or upset, or pain and sorrow... and I feel that I have. Whether or not that's the case, I don't know.

    Anyway, the only thing that I can do is wait. She's gone back home to confer with her mum, who will, in her words "know what to do about this horrifically Kafkaesque situation." Meanwhile, I'm left with her copies of James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room and Ivan Turgenev's First Love and the knowledge that I will definitely see her at least once more because of that.

    The horrible thing is that I think she fell for me hard and fast too, and that's at the root of this whole thing. We fell for each other and she was in a relationship with her next-door neighbour in her halls, and when she left him (during a really crap weekend for her anyway) it precipitated stuff which in turn meant that she needed time alone.

    The upshot of all this is that I'm not sure if I'm dumped or not. I'm in a kind of relationship limbo. Whatever happens, though, and I really mean this, I want Jude to be happy. If that means we can't be a couple, so be it. If it means we can, then hurrah, great. If it means she wants to be single for a while, also fine. I'll wait. She's worth it.

    And that concludes this mope. Apologies to all those scarred by the emo-ness...

    Current Mood: And the Pope abolished Limbo
    Current Music: The Undertones, "One-Way Love"
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